TMI Tuesday – More Ramblings

1. Before the industrial revolution, most people never traveled more than 30 miles from their home. How far from your birth place do you now live?
I was born in Lansing, MI and and now I’m in Belding. It’s about an hour and 20 minutes to the hospital in which i was born.

2. What is the fartherest distancet from home you have you have ever had sex or an orgasm? What is there farthest distance you have travelled from your home to have a sexual encounter?
Las Vegas. I was with hubby too.
The furthest i’ve travelled to have a sexual encounter… Hmm… 500 miles.
Did i have said sexual encounter. No.

3. How many states (or Canadian provences or your country’s geopolitical division) and counties have you had sex and/or an orgasms in?
2… Sad isn’t it?

4. Have you ever had sex in a vehicle? While the vehicle was moving?
Yes. i have had sex in a vehicle. Never had sex enroute though, nope.

5. Do you have any travel related fantasy? If so, share, please.
I think it’d be fun to fuck on a highway… but i’m too practical and can’t help but to think that there will be little kids on said highway and could see… can’t have that. I’ll stick with passenger seat  masturbating to drive him NUTS!

Bonus: On holidays that honor our military do you tend to rememeber those currently serving or veterans of military service?
Oh god, do i have a choice? This is a bad week to ask since my Connecticut is leaving this week for the sandbox. See back thursday for more on that.

Woe-is-me (/endrant)

And in not having high self esteem, i look to others to validate myself. If they like me, then I should like me. If their dick is hard, then I must be attractive, right? I don’t even contemplate that they might just be male and not giving really a damn about me really, as i’m just another insecure girl who will wet them when they want it. So upon being rejected, I seem to lose the self control I have to stop myself from spinning downward and wanting nothing ore than to be alone. I hate this about myself. I hate that I have my flaws, that I know full well what my flaws are and being rejected by anyone in any way is just a way for me to dwell on these flaws. It’s certainly not a healthy way to think about things, but it’s the way that I think about them.

I’m sure it works the same way with the projects I do. I love working on plays and such, but I believe it’s another way that I am looking to get validated. This is not an image validation, but in being told that I’m doing well, or that i’ve done well, it makes me feel good and better about myself and that in turn makes me see things differently. Busting my ass for validation year after year and watching someone else get it all fucking sucks. So yeah, it did bother me that I’ve spent years working hard and someone will swoop in for part of a year and works her ass off and it’s Her that they see before me because she’s perfect… she’s strived to be perfect every day of her life and All i want to do is make sure it’s done right. And is it my fault really that from a very young age I was seen as nothing more than a sexual instrument and therefore allowed myself to become one? It sounds like my fault, yes, but i was 7 when it started. It was not a choice for me to make. And later, It was someone else who took it. And then I gave myself freely after that because I wanted to erase the hurt caused by those who kept taking. I felt that at least this way it was MY choice, not theirs. And then I was with someone who would fuck me over every few months, lying to me and cheating on me and I kept taking him back because I didn’t want to be alone. I couldn’t stand to be alone. So i am not. I never have been. And I am married to a guy who is wonderful and takes care of me and the kids but I still want to be validated by people… like Mr. Connecticut and Mr. Down Under and I don’t get it from them either. I hate that I am like this, but I am. And as great as Hubby is, i do not get the validation i need from him because he’s Hubby… He has to accept me with all of my flaws… at the same time, wanting this open relationship and having the ability to flirt and in some cases fuck other people… and his addiction to porn… god, i know that i have flaws and when he’s looking at porn constantly, in my head it’s because I am not attractive enough. Which is why i talk to others, and send pictures, and show pictures here because then others will tell me that i’m attractive and then it must be true. Is why i will call Connecticut and have phone sex… Because he could be looking at porn and watching videos but instead he is talking to me… How do i know that he’s not looking at pictures of someone else? How do i know honestly that he even gives a damn who is on the other line, as long as he’s listening. Damnit!  THIS is why i never want to leave my house. THIS is why i would rather be curled up in my bed on a daily basis and never get out. But no. I get up and have my shower and push myself though the day with the constant worry that I don’t look that nice, or someone is going to think badly of me and that I don’t look right in this top or these jeans or that my hair isn’t in the right place or i’m wearing too much make up and i hide my less than perfect smile behind my hand and worry that too much of my huge fucking forehead is  showing and I spend half of my days trying not to cry because I’m feeling so badly about myself.
So what? Who gives a shit, right? If i “really cared that much” then i’d do something about it. I’d go for walks and diet and change myself so i look better but… it’s not that easy at 8 am… at 9 am… however – at 2 FUCKING AM, I can think of nothing more. I lay awake thinking about ways i can change myself to become more attractive to him or him or him. So they will see me sexually like that fucking pervert did when I was 7 years old and they’ll want to be with me and then I will feel good. Then I will feel sexy… right? Or validated? Or like total fucking shit because i’ve not eaten in days… But even with the tummy rumbles – i’d be sexy because i’d be skinny. The alternative is to keep doing what I’m doing. Keeping wanting Him or Him or even HIM to think i’m sexy with my low cut shirt and DD’s which are probably only that big because I’m overweight and have the phone sex and try to believe that it’s my sexy voice that are getting them off and not just their male instinct to get their dick wet… but wait, none of them are fucking me – so it’s not about getting their dick wet because It’s not. It’s maybe about keeping it hard for when something…someone sexier comes along. Even if it is just a photo… then they can wrap their own hand around it and cum… Or i suppose for that validation, i’ll come to you and get on my knees and let you shove it in my mouth. Then it’s wet and you didn’t have to fuck the fat girl. Lucky you!

I have no desire to go back and read this blog. I’m sure it barely makes sense… Not even sure I want to post it… But that’s why it’s here, right.

TMI Tuesday (Happy Birthday HNT!)

1. Have you ever participated in HNT? If so, when? If not, why not?
Yup. I try to remember every week, but sometimes I just don’t have a story – or pictures… so it doesn’t get done. Or in those times I feel that I need to work on a play – then i get all busy and don’t get to do it then either.

2. Have you ever avoided certain sites because of the HNT pictures that were posted?
God no! I welcome all and any pictures people deem worth enough for HNT! These are pictures that were important enough for these people to post, why would anyone want to avoid them?

3. Have you ever posted a HNT picture that you wish that you hadn’t?
Again, no. I wouldn’t have posted them if I didn’t feel them worthy enough to post. I try not to wish against/regret the things I have done because it was what I wanted to do at the time.

4. Do you email/text/call anyone regularly with someone you met through HNT?
Not really. Tho i am not against it.

5. What percentage of your online friends are current or former HNTers?
A very small percentage. I think I need more….

6. Does anyone in your “real” life know that you do HNT (if, of course, you do)?
Some… I don’t share this blog with many RL friends. Though, i don’t know how many of those friends share it… so there could very well be a boatload of RL friends who read that I have no idea about… awesome.

7. Other than previously-known friends, have you met any fellow HNTers?
None. This is a sad statistic… who wants to meet me?

8. Have you ever downloaded someone else’s HNT pictures?
I don’t think so… I am not one for keeping a lot of pictures of other people on my computer… I suppose if i someday come across a crazy good picture, i’ll keep it…

BONUS QUESTION: Have you ever submitted a picture for “…the Other HNT”?
Honestly – no. But I’m so going to now. Stay Tuned…

The Truth About Cats and Dogs

I am not tall. 5′4 is all… the tallest one in my family though, except my dad. He’s only about 5′8-5′9. My mom was 4′11, but i fear she’s shorter now. This leaves the gene pool pretty…. short. For some reason or another though, i did inherate all of the breasts in my family. I won’t presume to guess my mother’s bra size, but my sisters – at least the 4 that I grew up with – are all a B cup or smaller. Me? you’ve seen em…

My weight… ugh. Let’s just say that I do not look as good as I wish i did. I’m a bit overweight, which my dad will point out at a seconds notice. He’s very all about reminding me that i’m “fat” whenever i see him. When we went to Vegas back in 2006, he told me that he was surprised that the plane was able to take off with me on it…

There are times that I feel sexy. There are certain things that i wear, and certain ways that I’ll wear my hair or certain ways that i’ll smell when I will feel sexy… But there are times that I so don’t. I have a hard time when people talk about other people who are more attractive than me – and go on and on about it. The girl who is 6ft tall, wears 5-6 inch heals with skinny jeans and complains that she’s fat… The girl who’s barely 5 feet tall, doesn’t wear shoes most of the time and has really no ass, tits or hips… I hate that the common factor in people are that they are nasty skinny, but people will still be all about them.

Now, what am I supposed to do? Be pissed off that these people aren’t sitting around with me telling me how beautiful i am? No.. and i’m n ot asking about that. I just wish people would stop being all about the tiny skinny people and notice the slightly bigger girl at the bar that is fucking adorable and say that they are. That in itself would make me feel better about myself. I hate the stick figures with shoes talking about how fat they are, because if they are seeing theirselves  in a size 3-5 and thinking they are fat, then you must be calling me a whale – and that’s not cool…

I know there are things i could do to fix it… i could become the stick figure like all of my sisters and that will make people happy…  Not that I even need to make anyone happy, because I have honey and he seems to like me no matter what! Though, i think he’s all about girls in general.

I got a txt this morning from my ex this morning. I haven’t heard from him in several weeks:
“Hey”
“Hey you…”
“Got Pics. Sorry head in gutter”
“Yeah, it is in the gutter…i has no new pics…sorry”
“I’ll have to look at an old one”
“So…how have you been?”
“If i come there, can i see them?”
“I dont’ think hubby would like that.”
“Yea your probably right.”
“Whats gotten you all bothered today?”
“You, of course.”
“How would I get you all bothered when we’ve not even spoken in a couple of weeks?”

No reply.

Have I given off the vibe that I would send pictures of myself to anyone at anytime for any reason as long as they ask? Well. I won’t. Sorry. If you want to see them, you’ll have to ask me for or find my blog… like all of you lovely people have.

And… my power just went out. I love battery back up!

Anywhooo… I lost my train of thought.

My horoscope has been awkwardly on lately… No… like – serious. As i sat at my friends house, i read my horoscope and it said that I should very well be sitting at my friends  house, relaxing and hanging out. J said that he thought i had sent the txt to myself and said all of it. Nope – it was just spot on and creepy. But it is usually really mean to me…

Hasn’t barely talked to Connecticut in 2 weeks. Only a couple all of last week and then one this week. ONE…
“I’ll talk to you Thursday.”
I am not going to txt him. I won’t. He said he’d talk to me on Thursday, he can. And if he doesn’t, well then I guess i know that he won’t. He leaves in like 2 weeks for Iraq. I think it sucks. We are such a weird place that i dont’ want it to suck anymore than i already know that it will once he’s gone. I have a feeling that he’ll once again stop contact with me, though I don’t believe it’ll be forever. Like i’ve said before, he cannot quit me anymore than I can quit him. He’s like a disease… a sexy parasite that you don’t want to be rid of but you cannot help but to want to flick every once in a while. Asshole. I want to hate him, but alas… he is still my friend.

Speaking of friends… We hang out with this couple.. Love them to death. We hang out mostly him because she works and he is laid off and hubby is STILL laid off and I don’t work so yeah, almost daily we hang out with him and we try to hang out with her as much as we can, but it’s hard. So yeah, today we’re hanging out and he gets all weird. Blamed it on the rain, but just..ugh. Snippy, snappy and rude. I do not do well when people get like that at me. I will shut up and/or leave. I take it personally and i do not want to be around it. I offered to leave his house, but he said he’d be sad if we did. So we sat in an awkward semi-silence most of the afternoon, until I was finally able to hurry myself out the door. Later, i went to pick up Hubby and I started picking on male friend – poking his arm lightly - and it became quite obvious very quickly that he was still in this same mood. Got rude/angry voice with me. I became defensive once again, and turned away from him. No more talking, no more contact. I just wanted out of there. As soon as we decided it was time, i left… as fast as I could – just gone. He yelled after me “Bye” but i barely got a hand up to wave goodbye. I was honestly upset. I love these two… they are great friends, but i wasn’t about to let him make me more upset by being angry at eachother or life or whatever reason they were – and take it out on us for it. I felt bad for hubby to have to be near it all afternoon, and i regretted not coming to get him earlier. The guy friend joked for like a week how we’d get sick of him soon and not want to hang out with him, but i’m pretty certain now that the table is turned. It was he who was bored with us and what better way to push us away than to be rude and offend me? I understand that everyone has a bad day once in a while, but I wouldn’t take it out on friends… just ask hubby – i only take it out on family
Ugh, and we are supposed to go out with them to see a play on Friday night. I would still love to go, but i don’t know…
Once i get burned, i’m very hesitant to stick my hand back near the fire. My wall is built sturdy now – let the chipping away at it commence once more.

Sigh. Looks like i’m back to no life all day anymore. Oh well. Goodnight, Charlie.

Yet Another TMI Tuesday

1. Which traits from your parents do you see in yourself?
My mother’s having never been alone… she has always  needed to be with someone. I’ve not been alone since I was 12.
My father had a horrible temper and I hated it. I’ve worked very hard to not become him. I have yet to learn how to control myself from yelling.

2. Which traits from you/your partner do you see in your children (if you don’t have kids, which would you like to see)?
My son is exactly like his father – looks and acts. Addicted to television and video games as well.

3. How did you get the birds-and-bees talk?
“Mom – i think i’m pregnant.”
I had no birds and the bee’s talk.

4. What was your favorite childhood book?
Charlotte’s Web. I read it a billion times. Loved it.

5. What is your favorite piece of erotic literature?
Nine and a Half Weeks – A Memoir of a Love Affair by Elizabeth McNeill
Love. It.

Bonus: What is the one thing you wish you could go back and tell yourself as a child?
One Thing?
“Watch Out for Boys.”

Double Bonus: If your life were a book or movie, what would the title be?
…Watch out for boys.