2 weeks.

It’d been 2 weeks since we talked.  He was gone. He was out of town? Out of state? I don’t know. For all i know, He’d gotten married and was on His honeymoon. I know so little about His personal life that the likeliness of that being true is not as low as i’d like to believe. However, i REALLY doubt He was on His honeymoon. He’d tell me that much.

2 weeks of no emails. No contact whatsoever. It was hard for me. I didn’t email Him (okay, i emailed Him once) I maybe visited His myspace twice. But i spent half of my time with Him on my mind.

He’s back now. He got back this week and I’ve been lusting after Him since. I get warm when i see that He’s emailed me. I’ve gotten several emails from Him this week. He still claims He wants me. He needs to find the time to make it happen. I’ve not heard His voice in 2 years.

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It’d been 2 weeks since we talked. He was very busy for 2 weeks. With friends, work, on holiday. He tells me a lot about His personal life. I almost always know where He is or what He is doing. Even though we don’t get to talk or chat much, we always “pong” while He is at work.

He called me today. It was so fantastic to hear His voice finally. I’d longed for it for so many days. I have Him saved on my voicemail a few times, but nothing can compare to hearing Him like this. Talking to me. With me. I don’t think He fully realizes what He does to me. I don’t think He knows that when I am on the phone with Him, I cannot help but to touch myself. As soon as I hear His voice, a wave of… joy, so profound, falls over me and I just have to release it. I’ve done it twice now without Him knowing.

I hearby…

…refuse to listen to anything I have to say. I’m about to go into a rant about something that I can fix, but will not. Ready?

 I love him. He knows that I do, and in return, I know that he doesn’t feel completely the same way. Why? Because he’s a realist. He knows that he cannot love me because nothing good can come of it. Only heartbreak and that can’t happen. Oh, there’s also the little part of my being married… So he’s continuing live. As he should. Who am I to tell him “no, you cannot because I love you” How selfish. So i’ll listen to him about B and K and S and A and whoever else… and I’ll smile through it. I have no choice.

He made me cry today. He doesn’t know that.. I’d never tell him. I cried because I miss him. He’s been SO busy and i’ve not had any time with him. I let him know this…. he made plans to call me and I knew that everything bad that I’d been feeling would go away the second I heard his voice. He’d soothe me and I’d be better. He’s magic that way. But something happend at work. He emailed me… he told me that he wasn’t going to be able to call… I understood. Things happen that way, i know it does. That’s how I didn’t get him last week… things happend. But he came home, and he caught me on line for a while and we chatted about how much we missed eachother. I told him that I understood about work… He said that he hated that I always have to “understand” and I cried. I hate that i always have to “understand” as well, but what am i to do? Fly off the handle.. be mad at him? Never. He doesn’t deserve that from me. He deserves my understanding and compassion and that’s what I intend to give him. I’ll never blame him for things that he cannot control. I’ll never be mad at him for anything. He’s too perfect for that. I’ve never seen a part of him that I do not love.

 Oooh, i know i’ve confused you. I’m not talking about “HIM.” He who I’ve lusted after every day for the last 9.5 years. He has faults. He makes me madder than I’ve ever been at anyone. I’m talking about Accent. My beautiful accented friend from down under. He gives me advice, he makes me a better person every time i talk with him. He makes me want to be a better person when I’m not talking with him. He’s changing me and I don’t think he knows it. I’m calmer since i found him again in May. I’m calmer and So much more confused. My triangle is now a square… why can’t I have 3 husbands… maybe if we move to Utah.

My point is this. I have to stop telling him that I love him. I don’t want the awkwardness afterwards. I don’t want him to not say it back, but i don’t want him to say it back for my sake. If i don’t say it, he won’t say it, i know that. So I just wont say it. Because if i don’t say it, then I won’t be disappointed if he doesn’t say it. So i just won’t say it.

I JUST WON’T SAY IT!!!

No, seriously…

I’m unsure if it’s because I was hurt when i was a younger, or because my heart is entirely tooooo big, but I have a serious problem with falling in love. It’s not that I cannot fall in love. My problem is that I fall in love too easily. Whether or not i’m truely IN love is, i suppose, another question. I have, i believe, deep feelings for someone… okay, two someones… other than my husband. Don’t get me wrong, i love him as well, however, there are two other people that i could very easily see myself being with. My problem is that neither live anywhere near me. I suppose that isn’t really a problem. I suppose that it’s the best thing i’ve done. It’d be horrible – more horrible – if the other people i loved were close by because I’d be in much bigger trouble.

Maybe I’m not in love at all. Maybe it’s the thought of something different that I’m in love with. The thought of being somewhere else, with someone else that gets me excited. Maybe it’s the muscles or the accent that makes me warm. I don’t know. But when i talk to either of them, i’m happier afterward.

Accent lives furthest away. He has the best personality. He’s cute, and funny and he listens and gives advice and doesnt judge me. He makes me smile almost every day. They days he doesn’t make me smile, its because I don’t talk with him. He makes me smile…

 Muscles… AKA “Him” I’ve been talking with him for almost 10 years. I fell in love with him in the first few months of talking with him and here I am – still infatuated with him. There’s been times when we’ve lost touch for 3 or 4 months, but we’ve always found eachother. I’ve never wanted – lusted after – anyone in my life as much as I do him. Although, in the last 10 or so months, i don’t think we’ve talked about anything personal, just how we’d both like to spend a few days fulfilling eachothers fantasies and such. But on my end, i want nothing more than to BE with him…

 Maybe I’M crazy. Maybe seeing how crazy my life’s always been, how early my milesstones have come – babies, marriage…  Maybe i just feel that my life is missing the things that everyone else my age has already accomplished.

 I’m going to have to finish this later… i’m warm and tired and can’t think because of it.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Wanna be my master?

I am married. Have i mentioned that yet?

He has been reading my emails. I learned this today. He’s promised me that he wouldn’t read them anymore, but the things that he says, i know that he’s reading them.

He said he wants to be my online master. I don’t want him to be. I am not remotely turned on by the fact that he wants to be my dom. No No No.

I want “Him” to do it. To order me around. To make demands of me that i dare not deny him. I get warm when i think about what he wants from me. naughtiness that i am not too proud to give him. I want im to be happy. I want to make him happy. I WILL make him happy.

 What I don’t want is to do those things for my husband. I don’t want him like that. I’m sorry. Get over it. It cannot be a fantasy if i have to live with it every day.

How do i tell him? Any suggestions?

Guilty

A few nights ago, i shared this blog with a friend. I immediately regretted it. Not because i didn’t want him to read about me, but because I am crazy. I really like this guy. I melt everytime i talk with him, in chat or on the telephone. I would do so many things for him, but I know that it’ll never happen with us. For us. He is a realist, I – not so much. I can imagine myself with him. It’ll never happen. It’ll happen faster with “Him” than it will with this guy. This guy wants someone else. He falls asleep at night thinking about what could have been with her. I cannot compete with that. I cannot compete with someone’s real love. He knows what i think. And I know what he thinks. This is why i have stopped telling him that i love him. Not because i don’t, but because he stopped saying it back. he calls me “love” and “lover” (which we are not – lovers – but i like him calling me that.) But he doesn’t not tell me he loves me. And he shouldn’t.

 I’ve got to get over the fact that i am stuck here. This is where I am and where i am going to be. I’ve got to be – or learn to be – content with that. But i am not content, and i’ll never be content. I know i talk about “Him” a lot, but there is someone else. Someone else i care a lot about. Someone else that i’ll do anything for. But there’s abig difference between 800 miles and roughly 3000 miles…

 I made him promise me he’d not read this anymore. He said he wouldn’t and I trust that he won’t. I don’t mind strangers reading my words. But I don’t want people who are close to my heart to read it. I don’t want to be judged, even inadvertently. I know how it is. It happens, i understand.

I guess that’s all for today. Have a good one