It’s taking longer than i thought.

I’m in the process of telling you the story of Him. It’s a long story. It’s occuring to me though how much i miss him. On the verge of crying. Rehashing old memories.. its breaking my heart. I have to stop for a while.  I’ll end up a mess if i keep typing tonight.

My mind hurts – so does my heart. Anyone want to fix it for me?

My heart skipped a beat.

 

I spent the entire day with C2 today. We werne’t alone, but regardless. I caught myself staring at him several times, not 25 feet from me, looking so intensely at the task at hand. I smiled all day. My face started to hurt. He told me he wants to… alter.. his appearance. If he does, i’ll really not be able to keep my hands off him. It’s bad enough that in the company we had today, i could not touch him like i wanted to. I finally got to hug him, and i didn’t want to move. He looked so good. Holy Shit. He is So beautiful. I hope he knows that i think that. I tell him often enough, i think he knows. Okay, more later. Mwah!

Just Peachy

I’ve come to the conlusion that he regrets everything. I’m not as good as i’d hoped. I’m not good enough. I never thought that I was, but at least now i’m sure of it. Its been almost 3 full days. Saturday morning – now… almost 3 days and i’ve not talked to him, seen him or anything. I’ve kind of talked with her, but it’s not her that i want to talk to. It’s him. I’m sorry I’m not good enough, but please let us be friends…

C1 is gone for a couple of weeks. I’m dying. I can email him, and he can check it from where he is, but i’m not getting replys and it is killing me. It’s only been the weekend… What will I do.

I watched a movie tonight. Every time i see this movie, it occurs to me that I want it with C1. I want love like that. Passionate love that takes my breath away when he touches me. I’ll never get that, but stick with what I have. I love him, i do. And he’ll always give me whatever it is that I want. But a part of me will always long for more.

Okay, it’s sleepy time. Um… C2. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to turn out like this.

Please Forgive me…

Okay, first off let me tell you that if i could change it, i’d be changed.. in a damned heart beat.

Everything was fantastic.. She’s very nice… C2’s gf. She’s the jealous type, that’s for sure, but she’s still very young. She played for a while and that gave me time to talk with him. But everytime she moved, he followed her, and that made me sad. I wasn’t about to make a big deal out of that. Not that it WAS a big deal or anything… The worst part of the night was sleep… Hearing him breathing in his sleep, but in her arms. I’m so selfish. I’m so sorry.

I went to bed and since this is a bad weekend for me to do much of anything in the pleasure department, I just tried to sleep but it wouldn’t come. My mind was on the posistion i saw them in last, his arms around her. I closed my mind and tried thinking of something different and i finally started to fall asleep. I woke up shortly afterwards though, with H2 hovering above me – knowing my situation, he thought he’d use my face as a target for his release… not yet, of course.. i woke up as he was working up to that part. He likes to use my face for such a thing… I’d rather he didnt, but shit happens. I allowed it so there would be no guilt trips, even though he succeeded in doing that anyway… Just by what he did… his hands on my face, fingers on my lips.. as i layed there trying to look somewhat attractive in the light from the computer next to the bed, i couldn’t help but to be convinced that he’s read this blog. One cannot look attractive while half asleep and worried.. let me tell you that. However, it apparently worked, because soon he was finished.. and i was cleaned up. I went to sleep, face somewhat sticky still but it was very late and i had to get up early. I did not dream. Thankfully.

 I was up early. Before anyone else other than Kid & kId. They were leaving early. I washed my face, brushed my teeth &  applied make up… I wandered off into the livingroom. I sat at the desk, trying to be quiet as they lay on my couch, his arms still around her. Thankfully, their position and mine did not give a very good sight line, so i didn’t have to see them if i happend to glance that way. She got up and wandered outside, and i kinda saw myself climbing in next to him and under his arm. Stupid daydreaming. She came back soon afterwards. Once they were gone, i missed him again. I have pictures of him though. And i don’t look at them ALL the time. Just some of it.  I secretly melt when he smiles.

The guilt is killing me.

I’m all flusterated.

I wouldn’t know what to do or say. If he comes here with his gf. I’ll be okay, i’m sure. But i worry that i’ll just want to cry. I know, that’s horrible… i have NO right. No right even a little bit. So i’ll be totally cool and okay.

This is a “bad” week. And if this is a bad week, i worry about the week i might be out of town. the 9th – 12th? I may not end the week that way, but could very well start the week that way. the 6th this month, the 4th (ish) next – well, i might not be.. unless  – of course – i’m late. GRR!

Why do i fall in love? Even if its just a little bit, why do i at all? I know – you can’t help you you fall for. I think that’s bullshit. I am not going to stop talking to a person if  feel the feellings coming on.. that’s not fair. And its not everyone, gosh.. its been 2 others since ive been with H2.  I’m not even going to explain who. Well, i’m sure you’ll find out one of them. I think i’ll devote my next blog to him. I’ve already mentioned him.. C1. He’s been a big part of my life for a long time. It wouldn’t be right if i didn’t mention him to you.

 Back to this love bullshit. Seems that when i fall for someone, they dont’ return the feelings.. i dont know if it’s me, or what it is, but it bugs the fuck out of me.  I know that i’m definately not “that” girl. And when i love – i love completely.. I know, i know.. i’m MARRIED! It shouldn’t matter to me whether or not someone else loves me. But i tell you, it surely helps the self esteem to know that i am at least loveable. Even if i found out that someone loved me and told me that even so, they’d not be able to do anything about it because i’m married. I’d be sad, but happy that at the very least someone loves me. God, i’m selfish. Its disgusting. I know somoene who doesn’t have anyone and frankly, i don’t give a damn. If she wasn’t such a bitch to her man, it’d be different. But she’s mean to men. She tends to take take take.. and never gives.

 If he comes, he’ll not be alone. And i will need to be okay about that. I cannot make it a big deal. But all keep thinking about what was.. what happend, and what could have been. And i’ll always know that I would have made him happy – always. If he comes…